I Have No Answers

What I want is to make all this shit sound eloquent. I've been told not to value my negativity too much, but if I can't make something beautiful out of all this pain then I don't think I'll be able to live through it. So I'll try not to get stuck in this place. I'll try to balance these deadening days with poems about life and that dependent-less love I was obsessed with. But for now I'm in limbo; some awkward transitional stage. I'm seeing things a little more clearly, but I don't necessarily like what I see. I'm making resolutions to find something internal and positive, but I haven't taken the actual steps yet. 

So! Here's a poem- was written on the bus home today: 

When I get angry

I feel fists knocking on the backside of my eyeballs,

And when I analyze-- the feeling--

It proves to be Hectic and Beautiful and Exciting.

But I don't want to step outside myself this time

To rationalize this insanity into art.

I feel angry all the time now.

My feelings fist into my vision.

I don't think I can see you clearly anymore.

So this is where I'm at present. Would you like some context?: 

I had been priding myself on my ability to deal. Really I was just lacking issues. 

I am as unstable as ever. I still cling to delusional hopes. I am happy for as long as those hopes are standing, and when reality causes them to collapse I claim that life is unfair. I guess self-pity is easier than acceptance. But it is so unsustainable, and this way of "living" has finally guided me to the point where I see that I can't continue on this way. 

The metaphor of a pile-up seems to fit: first came my hopes, then disappointment, then resentment, guilt, anger, general cynicism. I never let go of any of it, and now its too heavy for me to hold onto. 

But I'm not really sure how to let go. Maybe just realizing it, and writing it down, is the process. But I am pretty certain it is more complicated than that. 

Furthermore-- there seem to be certain things I could do that would force me to let go. For instance: I could bask in my anger, abandon the people I can place blame on... but then I am still holding fast to a portion of my load. I don't think this can be forced. 

Anyway. I'm starting here. I'm beginning with the thinking and realizing and writing. And I'm feeling good here.